Great Listening is a Contact Sport

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Being a great listener is as much about collecting information as being a great communicator is about having a big vocabulary. The words, heard or spoken, are not the main point.

A great listener not only hears what is being said but treats the act of listening itself as a way of building a relationship.

Use these 10 exercises to become a great listener:

1. Practice a caring perspective. Cultivate the honest belief that no matter who you are speaking with, they have something to teach you. Great listening communicates to our partner that we care about them as an individual. This cannot be faked. Great listening is ultimately about focusing on the value that others have to offer. Without this foundation of curiosity, humility, and empathy, all of the other tips below become transparent parlour tricks.
2. Learn how to ask good questions. Asking interested questions lets the other person know you are genuinely interested in them. About to meet someone new? Do your homework. Get to know what matters to them, and where things are interesting for them. If they work in a field you are not familiar with, spend an hour learning. In conversation, take your cues from what they talk about. Ask for their opinion; ask what got them to where they are (figuratively or literally). If you are really struggling to understand, don’t be afraid to ask, to ‘walk you through it.’ Honest ignorance is always preferable to disinterest, boredom, or someone who is obviously faking an understanding they don’t have. Once again, this is about them, not about you.
3. Practice eye contact. Of all the ways we communicate as human beings, eye contact (or the lack of it) is probably the most powerful. Our eyes communicate even in ways we cannot control, such as pupil dilation. By focusing your eyes on your partner in conversation you create a shield around you both. This shield is experienced by your partner as the feeling that they are the only person in the room. A single sideways flicker of the eyes breaks that spell. To sustain this is both important and difficult. Practice it. Tell yourself that for the first 5, 10, 15 minutes of the conversation your eyes will not leave your partner (except to look at your note pad if you are taking notes). Try to note how long you can sustain this for.
4. Practice serial eye contact. ‘Focused’ eye contact in one-on-one conversations is difficult. Eye contact at group events like group dinners or networking events is also a challenge. Knowing when to break eye contact to focus on the next person (or on someone who is already starting to speak with you) is not easy. You have to pay attention to the nuances of what you see in your partners’ eyes, and be prepared to close formally (“It’s great seeing you, I am going to have a word with John/Jane.”). The secret is to close the conversation before you take your eyes off your partner. Your words, or your body may indicate you are moving on, but your eyes must move last. If your eyes move first, it signals you have ‘checked out’ before the conversation has ended. If your eyes move last, it signals that you literally can’t take your eyes off your partner.
5. Ready for your close-up? In so many things in life, being seen to be doing the right things is as important as doing the right things. The next time you are in a focused conversation, imagine you are starring in a silent movie. What would a viewer see? Would they actually see you listening? Without all the ‘aha’s and ‘hms’ would your body language still communicate your complete interest in the other person? What are your hands and arms doing? Your eyes? Are you shoulders turned fully towards your partner? Are you leaning in or out?
6. Practice being still. Stop doing anything except listening. Don’t glance at your watch. Don’t check your phone. Even better, turn it off. Keep your hands visible and still if possible. If you are having coffee together, be deliberate about when you take a sip. And when you do, try not to break eye contact (a humorous challenge for those of us with glasses when we drink hot coffee after coming in from the cold!). Be even more deliberate about this when you are having lunch or dinner. By all means be natural, but don’t shovel the food in with your eyes glued to the plate while your partner shares something important with you.
7. Practice being present on the phone. We think we are ‘invisible’ when we are talking on the phone. We don’t think the other person can tell if we are checking our email. They can. Studies have shown that listeners can tell if we are smiling, distracted by other tasks, or even slouching. Turn off your distractions and speak on the phone as if the other person were right there in the room.
8. Still your mind. Few things are more off-putting than speaking with someone who has obviously stopped listening because they have already started to formulate a clever response. We can listen, or we can prepare a response. We can’t do both well. If your intention is to debate, that is one thing. If your intention is to develop a reputation as a great listener, then turn off the ‘debating’ voice in your head. Even if you think you are right, this is not the time. For a great listener, it is always the other person’s time.
9. Practice not talking. Great listeners are good at knowing when to prompt for more information, when to move the conversation forward with a question or a comment. Knowing just when to do these things is a craft that takes practice. Do it too often, or when the other person has not finished their thought, and you are interrupting, even if you are agreeing. You are sending the message that your thoughts are more important than your partner’s. The old rule applies: if you are not sure when to put your two bits in, keep quiet.
10. Be positive. We prefer to be around positive people. People who are ‘up’, and people who agree with us are felt to be attractive. This doesn’t mean you have to be a Pollyanna, but choose your responses, especially contradictory ones, carefully. Often when we contradict someone else it is not to add value to the conversation at hand. Most of the time we just want to be right, and to be seen to be right. This is not a way to become a great listener. Be intentional in choosing your ‘hill to die on’: will the intelligent argument you are about to make be one that makes a serious difference a few years from now? Is it worth shifting the spotlight from your partner to yourself and losing the value they have been placing in you as a great listener? If the answer is no to both of these, keep it to yourself.

Show interest in others, focus on them mentally and physically, still your body and your mind, be positive. Do all of these things and people will think you are one of the most interesting and attractive people they have met. You achieve this status not by promoting yourself, but by making them feel like they are the most interesting person in the room. You do have to believe that, but that is not enough. You also have to communicate that by listening with every fibre of your being.

Listening on this level is not easy. It requires practice and focus, and a level of engagement that should leave you feeling like you have worked hard. Great listening really is a contact sport. But if you do it right, it will make a significant positive difference in your personal and professional relationships.

I work with management teams to develop extraordinary communication skills. To book a workshop or seminar, write to me at clemens@clemensrettich.com

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