Anger is a natural emotion that has its place, but rarely in the workplace. When we respond to injustice, disrespectful behaviour, or threats, anger can be a useful tool. However, uncontrolled anger or aggression only lead to more conflict and have no place at work or at home.
Some steps in changing aggressive behaviour:
- Clarify the damage the aggressive behaviour is causing. Be specific and include specific events.
- Clarify what constitutes aggressive behaviour (loud outbursts, abusive language, sarcasm, abrupt phrasing, aggressive or threatening body language, etc.). Again be specific, using examples.
- Ask the person to identify a couple of people they trust in the organization that might be supporters in changing the behaviour. If the person cannot identify anyone they trust then we have another problem!
- Suggest specific strategies:
- Understand your own early-warning signs that you are about to lose your temper or behave aggressively. Ask your trusted supporters to provide feedback on how they know when you are about to lose control.
- Learn to breathe deeply a few times before saying or doing anything. In that time, focus on solving the issue, not attacking the person. Lower your voice, drop your shoulders, relax your face.
- If the breathing does not work, walk away for a while. This is not an excuse to avoid the situation, as you must come back to address the situation later.
- Put your thoughts down in writing and put the document away for a few hours or a day before coming back to it. Reevaluate what you have written when you are calmer. NEVER send a written document in anger. Sending angry emails or ‘shitty-grams’ are one of the most toxic workplace behaviours. Even if you think you have ‘smoothed out’ the language, don’t send the email if you still feel angry. If you can’t stop feeling angry, delete the email permanently and go have a conversation.
- Communicate why certain things make you angry. It is very possible people are ticking you off without even knowing why. Never make assumptions that ‘people should just know’.
- Make a list of the kinds of things and people that trigger your anger. After each item/person make a note of alternatives that might avoid conflict (ask others to speak to certain people for you, avoid addressing certain issues at certain times of day, change where you meet people to discuss issues, etc.).
- Acknowledge when an employee or colleague has made even small progress! Positive feedback is absolutely key. When an aggressive person handles a situation well, tell them! They may not even be aware of what appropriate responses look or feel like.Check in regularly. Arrange a daily or weekly check-in schedule with the person in question to review situations that were handled well or that could have been handled differently.
- Clarify basic workplace boundaries and expectations. Basics like “Celebrate publicly, criticize privately” or “email is for information items only” should be reinforced and modeled throughout the workplace.”
As a final thought, a workplace paradox: the more authority you have (natural or ‘de jure’) the less right you have to be openly aggressive or angry. When coupled with authority, aggressive behaviour aimed at subordinates is seldom anything but bullying. In much of Asia, loosing one’s temper is seen as a loss of self-control and therefore an enormous loss of face. The greater the authority held by the person in the community or workplace, the greater the expectation for self-control.
Concerned about the temper or aggressive behaviours of an employee? Or do you feel uncontrolled anger may be limiting your own effectiveness as a manger or leader? Contact me at clemens@clemensrettich.com to arrange a comprehensive feedback process coupled with a 12-month behavioural coaching program.
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